A
Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady.
Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a
flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL
WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat,
he often kills it himself.
A
Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair
or
skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of
stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include
shaving goods).
A Retrosexual does not dress in
clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to
properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT"
portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with
"Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors
screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up
excessive amounts of manliness for women.
Some
is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you
becoming a frou-frou little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth
it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek
professional help for major
mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire
family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being
moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT
allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention.
Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one
outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a
Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one
good wound he can brag about getting.
A
Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer
a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows
that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns
are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain
fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that
a
Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials,
movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but
the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote
control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not
limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as
pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual
man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to
some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include
any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better
days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface,
The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III,
Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any
Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight
Club, etc.etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus
and or a
commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that
Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks
around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted
"you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the
Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He
also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual
will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but
that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable
manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy
relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars,
car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his
own knives and kitchen utensils.
A
Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without
high-centering his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree
and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn
well wanted it to land.
A
Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above
2nd Lt)
NOTE: The person in military dress may
turn down the
offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and
thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't
need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by
his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A
Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.